Can We Let Go

Is it physical or mental ?

Thanks

The Starfire Codes

for this ⬆️

I’ve come to my spot. Raven Glen Preserve. Pretty tranquil and serene as it usually is. Especially during the week and more-so now with the little darlings tucked away at school learning about who knows what.

Sometimes I’m looking for a topic. There are only so many life stories and at some point they will surface and make for a good read. Current life events, especially politics and the potential for the end of life as we know it make my body feel like the skeleton above. (Thanks Demi for the meme. Couldn’t have showed up at a better time !) But there is just way too much of that kind of shit out there and I’m not here to do the political thing anyway. In fact I’m trying to get away from it. Sports ? It is football season ! Nope, not interested. Who cares ? My old love, baseball. Could be fun as here in Chicago, the White Sox inched closer to being the worst team in the modern era with their 113th loss last night - just 8 away from that accomplishment, if you want to call it that. Honestly, put it up there with football…not really interested. Might as well just write about politics.

So I got this idea the other day. It’s been pretty tough to formulate what to say and how to say it. It’s inspired by many I’ve read about here. I could tag some, but if I did, I think it might be viewed in the wrong way. I don’t want to lecture. I don’t want to be mean. I don’t want anyone to feel worse than they might already feel. Sufficed to say - you’re not alone ! And, you and only you will know who you are.

So where am I going ? What do I want to say ? How do I say it ? Time to stop beating around the bush and go for it.

When I was much much younger, I oft times felt like I was just a little short. Sometimes it was just missing on a victory, as in my little league days of playing and coaching. Sometimes it was feeling like I was just cast aside be it by family or friends. I can’t tell you how many promotions I was qualified for and didn’t get…and this was before political influences, patronage or DEI. Some of those I was passed over for, did in fact deserve it, but it really didn’t make it easier. I’ve often referred to it as the bridesmate syndrome. Always pretty damn good but not quite good enough to be the bride (ok groom 🙄🙄). When I now see the people with their titles and positions around the railroad before I stepped away, making decisions and implimenting policies they don’t have the first clue about the consequences or ramifications and no accountability of their acts. It brings back the bridesmaid syndrome all over again. I believe I noted it in one or two of my previous posts, I applied no less than 15 times for positions, mostly management, at the last railroad gig. And some who got the gigs ? Ouch ! Hurting and bitterness doesn’t even begin to start to say it.

There has been loss. I’m the last of my immediate family to still be breathing. Dad, mom, bro and sis all gone. Sis was the youngest at 55, mom made it to 65. I’m in that zone right now. That mortality thing is real. Don’t think I don’t realize this each and every day. I’m down to one living aunt. She just had her 90th birthday last month. I went to the party. I was a basket case leading up to it. Broke down walking in, and twice more on the “meet and greet”. We all used to get together so often in years past. Yet, just about everyone in the room I had not seen since 2019 or longer. No real reason why, just seems to be how life has gone. Lots of good times and life experiences with them over time. But damn, so many, way too many that are gone. It was a happy event. But sitting here right now this moment, I now know what was eating me before and more-so during the event. For me I felt like I was at a wake. So many gone. So many of us older, much older. Who would not be there the next time ? I felt the emotion, anxiety and tension, but couldn’t explain exactly what it was. I was thinking it was in part my current anti-people, antisocial attitude I have these days. But no, I think it was that mortality thing and as much as anything, missing who wasn’t there instead of appreciating who was.

So, that’s where I’m kind of at right now. Let it be said that after my first train fatality, I went through a tough mental time and was diagnosed with depression. That was 2004, 20 years ago now. I’ve had a therapist (actually 2 now) the whole time and have had, probably, hundreds of sessions. Some intense. Some not so much. But when the losses hit, those were the hardest. It was good that there was someone to turn to.

We all seem to have something or someone very near and dear to us. At least I hope so. So many of you I can relate to and understand feelings and emotions. I have found myself welling up, to full blown cry fests, while reading some stories. I, like you have lost family, friends, pets. In thinking and literally feeling your grief or sadness, I’m remembering and often reliving just how it all felt myself.

Now, that this sad fest has come this far, and the table needed to be set, is where the light bulb went off. I was reading a story of what was and not letting go. My thought process was enhanced the next morning by

C.J. Heck

and the words in her poem

What is the risk
of living in the Now
yesterday’s gone
tomorrow
might never come
but we do have Now

We do have now. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. We have memories, but yesterday is gone. All we truly have and live is the present. Can we remember the past, who we had, what we did, what we had. Absolutely ! But when should we let go, not forget, but let go and live life. Can we plan ahead ? Again, absolutely, but there are no guarantees.

Should we sacrifice what we have in the now by remembering (dare I say obsessing) things from the past ? Is there a difference between remembering and “letting go” ? Is letting go nothing more than losing the physical obsession of not having vs the (mental) recollection of something or someone and moving ahead ? Everyone has their own timelines but is there a time when that timeline gets excessive. Time doesn’t heal, but it does ease the pain.

I don’t have the real answers. I’m probably as lost about it as the next guy. I’m as guilty of the things I mention above as anyone else. I’m so much wanting what was against what is. The feelings of hurt, bitterness, loss, sadness and anxiety are all a fact of my being right now.

Heaven knows I could use some letting go. Unfortunately, the emotions and chemical imbalances make it something that seems to be out of one’s physical control.

So, to the best of my ability, I’ll do the now, appreciate what I can and try to leave the rest off to the side.