65

It’s official, I’m a senior

23,741 days. In about 10 minutes from this writing, that is how long I have been on this earth. Happy birthday to me.

65.

What does it mean ?

Nothing really. I don’t feel much different than I did yesterday. Most birthdays, holidays and anniversaries seem to have been just another day for years now. The idea of a “special day” or celebration has seemed to come and go.

Oh yes, I am grateful and fortunate to have a great wife who is trying to make it happen. But that sparkle just isn’t there. I understand how people I knew became the old crab asses they were. I think I’ve become one. I don’t know when things went south. Maybe it was truly when mom passed back in 1995. She was the one who always managed to make days special. I do miss that. There were some times when there were enough friends around to go out and have a dinner on them. The annual jaunt to Red Lobster comes to mind. That went on for a few years. But then everyone got married (me too), had kids and pretty much, understandably, went their own ways. I did get one acknowledgement today and it did bring a tear to my eye.

I wonder, seriously, how my parents, aunts, uncles and the such really felt. Most did make it to that plateau. However, dad, brother and sister didn’t. I’ve got 10 months and I’ll pass Mom as the one to live the longest. I think them being all gone leaves that empty feeling, what seems to make it just another day.

Yes the crew at Starbucks made a deal out of it when I went in to collect a host of freebies and birthday bonuses. My email box is loaded with the stuff. Freebies, discounts, member bonuses. What the heck, I’m using what I can.

So, what’s different than yesterday? I get a senior discount ? Nope, been getting some of them for a while now. Ahhh, AARP ! Nope, been a member since 55. I do feel justified saying I’m “retired” even though it’s almost 18 months now that I haven’t been working. If only Railroad Retirement would acknowledge and approve my disability claim they’ve been stubbornly denying. There’s still a little hope that will come around.

I’m working on the gratitude journal my therapist has me doing. It’s been a little rough. However a recent post here by Dee Rambeau has helped make understanding what that’s all about a little clearer. I can say, there are a few here that keeps the idea of a “friendship” in this crazy world alive. C.J. Heck, The Starfire Codes, Holly, Dave Williams, Kent Peterson, Deborah T. Hewitt, Jane Deegan, Stone Bryson and DoG, just to name a few that I appreciate and keep me going. This even when the powers that be here try to hide them and fail to acknowledge, even mock those who look for assistance or give honest criticism. The fun here has faded a bit. It’s hard to write something right now without bitching about something. Are things that lousy or is it that old fart showing.

Maybe this sums it up…

I reckon by knowing this tune, I’m showing my age.

“It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to”

Happy 65 to me. Maybe older. Maybe better. Maybe a little more cranky and crabby. But damnit, I am alive.

I’m grateful for and I thank the Lord for that !