Just Trying To Cope

A little bit of melancholy going on

I have to tell ya, the last couple of weeks have been a little bit rough! No doubt my mood has been down in the crapper, unflushed and it’s starting to stink ! The weather right now sums it up pretty well. Cloudy, damp, temps falling, rain and maybe some snow on the way.

The first law in therapy is to try and determine the why. I mean, look at the world around us right now. But that’s too easy, too convenient, an excuse more than a reason and even that’s getting a little bit old. But reality says it plays into it. Heck, there’s always gonna be something going on that’ll get one’s undies in a bunch. So let’s exclude that.

There’s been a few anniversaries as of late. It’s been a year now since I operated my last train. I stepped off the engine that day at the yard, looked up at the sky and simply said “I’m done, I’ve had it”. To this day, some of the circumstances leading up to that are sad to me, hitting someone among them, but I have no regrets on walking when I did. I realized while I was still working that it just wasn’t the same anymore and what I might have been missing now after a year, I found I was already missing then. Everything was different. The people on the trains were different, the brotherhood and camaraderie was different, the surrounding work ethic became diminished, management was mostly worthless different, the whole rail industry as well as mass transit in general lost its direction. I miss things as they were, not what they became and are today. Transportation, especially mass transit, was what I was about from the time I was 3 years old (no exaggeration) on. That part of me is, well, gone. It’s over.

It’s been 6 years since I lost my sister. That seems like yesterday and has been a heavy load on my brain the last few days. What was considered a surgical complication (blood clots) and poof, it was over. She was the baby of the family. I think of all of those sibling rivalries, how she hated being compared to me in Grammar School, grew independent through High School, got married young, 5 kids, all grown up now to be, well, adults to be proud of. We had ball games, bike trips, Sunday bus rides (a story for another time), trips with dad to see our grandparents with those McDonalds French fry stops on the way home that dad used to bribe us with. We had our issues, I think most sibs do at one time or another. But, I think what I miss most right now are the phone calls, and later on texts, checking in to see what was going on. Her last text was a week before she died right after her knee surgery. Mine to her was 3 days before, checking in on her. The next day, she sent me a note through Facebook with an old old pic of my mom, nothing else, which ended up being our last communication. Sometimes I look at that and wonder if mom was telling me something that day. I guess I’ll never know.

Missing you lil’ sis

My wife often asks me why I remember such kinds of dates. I guess my answer is that I feel it’s just the little bit I have that’s left - everyone is gone. Anyway, I’ve always been good at remembering dates, anniversaries, license plates and numbers. I get these mental blocks these days. I just can’t remember a name or date or I can temporarily lose a trend of thought. Jab side effects? Something more serious brewing? I don’t know. I have a whole host of symptoms that some attribute to jab side effects. I wonder, will I wake up tomorrow with turbo cancer? No doubt that’s weighing heavy on my brain these days too.

I’m waiting for that final stage in the process from the Railroad Retirement Board to be complete. Every day that letter doesn’t show up in the mailbox makes it an instant downer. Others who have turned in their paperwork around the same time have got their notices. I’ve checked, I’m not forgotten, still “in process”. The process is a long one, I was warned of it. But seeing others get theirs ahead of the 12-15 month waiting period and yet I’m still waiting is discouraging. But I think when that is finally complete, a large weight will be lifted. A lot of anxiety, uneasiness and quite frankly sadness, will go away.

Substack has been hot and cold. There’d be a good day, good stuff to read, maybe a giggle here and there. Sometimes a little inspiration or self awareness leading to some deep thought. But then, get into scrolling notes and BOOM back in the dumps !

Reading

The Starfire Codes

edition of memes this morning, I found this in the batch -

Yes, guilty as charged. I’m missing all the nostalgia, all the fun, all the interactions, all the people who have passed on 😇. I think of my brother telling me to always have something to drink while in the car. It’s something I try to do. Coffee was always one of his choices - over the years it’s become my number 1 go to. Seems like he’s around on all of those Dunkin stops. He got me into going out for breakfast. It was part of early morning tee time golf days. Play 18, go have breakfast. The breakfast thing became a big part of our birthday celebrations. In my early railroad days, I had off days in the middle of the week. Usually meant at least one breakfast out. Ham & eggs, rye toast and coffee. 5 bucks, plus a couple more for a tip. Today, breakfast was $23 for an omelette, rye toast and coffee, plus $5 for a tip. $28 for freakin breakfast. That’s more than we used to pay for lobster for Pete’s sake ! In some cases, that’s more than we paid for a round of golf !

All of the things that made getting through tough times bearable. Something as simple as breakfast has found a way of going from a high to being something that can put me into the dumps. It is water under the bridge for sure but makes it hard to focus on that forging ahead.

So, am I being over dramatic? Am I worrying about stuff I shouldn’t be worrying about? Have I fallen deep into the doom and gloom of the past 5 years? Is it just getting older and the reality of mortality setting in ?

I had hoped to maybe take a walk along the path today. It’s been a little warmer lately and could have been a good mind clearing thing. But as luck has had it as of late, the temp dropped 15 degrees (to about 35) and it’s pouring rain out. I got a few texts and warnings of internet outages, so if I go home, well, the internet is out, so no streaming until it gets back on, about 2-3 hours from estimates. What will I do without Perry Mason for that long? Well I always have my playlists on iTunes, that’s always a good thing ! I hope the speakers are charged up (they are 😆).

I wondered about all of this at the start. When I got to my spot at the preserve, I got that inspirational message from above -

I guess remembering good times isn’t so bad, even if it can make you a little sad. The glance back is done for now - time to forge on, time to move ahead.

freepik.com